Loss and Hope

Loss is something most of us are familiar with…. loss of a loved one probably is the hardest. I have lost 9 pregnancies. Even though they were early it still hurt, a loss of hope. I always had hope that “this one will stick.”
Some people don’t understand why I’m so close to my kids and why I don’t mind if they climb in my bed at 4am or ask for one more snuggle. My kids are seriously miracles to me- I can’t believe they are real sometimes. Every single one, at one point, has almost not made it during pregnancy or childbirth and a couple of months ago I almost lost Gus when he nearly drowned and was not breathing.
At work, I have seen parents watch their kids die and it is the most unimaginable nightmare and loss. I cry inconsolably because I have only felt a tiny glimmer of that pain and I can’t imagine the full measure of it. I go home and hug my kids and let them fall asleep in my arms because that is how my hope comes back.
People may not understand why I’m so close to my kids but I seriously can’t imagine my life without them. It took so much struggle to get them here and even on the bad days and through temper tantrums I’m glad they are my kids and they are awesome.
Now that I’m divorced, people tell me I’d be lucky to find someone who would want a single mom with three kids. I have hope still that there is a good man out there who could look at my kids as a bonus and not a burden. Someone who will spend time getting to know us, fall in love with us and be happy to be part of this hilarious life.
I still have hope ❤️