mama worries

my kids love to snuggle. probably because from the moment they were born i spent every moment possible holding them in my arms or carrying them everywhere in a sling or wrap.
every night at bedtime everyone gets snuggle time with mama, even if it is short because i have too much to do before i try to fall asleep.
 these kids are the best huggers. both arms squeeze tight around my neck, holding on for dear life.
 it hurts my heart to think this will end someday. they won’t want to hug on their mama.

i worry if anything every happened to me would someone be the same mama i try to be for them.

would they know all the things that make us work.

would they know that george is sensitive and this is a strength. he cries if he feels that he has hurt someone, especially me. that he just needs a few extra minutes of attention to feel ok. he gets sad if you leave him too long while you are trying to pack the car and he thinks maybe you might leave him. he told me tonight he had a dream that i left him in the car when i was in the middle of driving and he got scared. i feel like i have failed him sometimes to make him feel more safe from abandonment and so i will continue to reassure him.

if he had a “tough love” mama it would not work well

would they know what makes my kids laugh… things i do that instantly stop a temper tantrum in it’s tracks.

would they know that when gus grabs around my neck it means he wants to just put his face against mine and do sort of a face snuggle.
or that when he runs to the baby gate between the kitchen and den and says, “go” he wants to ride his tricycle around the house. he is my gently giant. he gives amazing hugs and sweet kisses, but he is the daredevil of the group and you can’t leave him for too long.  he also has amazing intuition, i think, because he always knows when i need an extra hug or sometimes he will just come up and pat my back as if to say, “it’s ok mama.”

would they know that gracie just needs to be held sometimes if she is fussy. she cries if she is hungry, wet or lonely. that is ok by me, since i know she is my last baby. i could hold her forever and never put her down if i had my way. she just wants to nuzzle my neck and it makes her feel secure and happy.

all the thousand little things I know about them. 

what about at night. would they get up with them a few times each night and snuggle them until they fall asleep again because they had a bad dream.

i hope they would.

what makes me really sad is knowing that someday they won’t need me. my whole life all i wanted to be was a mama and when that job is over and they are grown, i don’t know what i will do with myself. i am a caretaker and healer-type soul. i guess i will figure that out later.

3 thoughts on “mama worries

  1. I love the post. Remember that they will always need their momma even when they are grown. I miss you guys so much and can’t wait to see you again.

  2. oh, this is so true! everyone always says "you know your kids better than anyone," but you did such a beautiful job explaining how that is. it really is amazing how mothers memorize their children’s signals and know how to meet their needs and decode their language. you sound like an especially wonderful mother! And i am so in awe of you doling out your love to three kids. that’s how many i’d like one day, but i still don’t know how i’ll do it! congrats on the new baby girl. what a blessing.

  3. Don’t worry about this! They will always love you and need you! It will be in a different way but it is always good! Trust me on this. Love mom

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